Copper Wire.....

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

I gave away all my dead batteries today – free of charge.

I had a clown open the door for me today – I thought it was a nice jester.

When the shovel was first made it was considered to be a ground breaking invention.

I dreamed of swimming in an orange soda ocean last night – It was just a fanta-sea.

A guy tried to sell me a coffin this morning – I told him that was the last thing I would need.

What’s the best thing about elevator jokes – they work on so many levels.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon – the food is great but there is just no atmosphere.

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed – he had low elf esteem.

I have kleptomania – when the feeling arises too much I just take something for it.

I suffer from sea sickness - it always come in waves

What is the differences between beer nuts and deer nuts -  beer nuts cost about 70 cents and deer nuts are under a buck. 

I didn't like my beard at first - then it just grew on me.                                                           

A man told me he hadn’t been to the toilet in 6 days – I told him he was full of crap.

I ate a clock yesterday – it was so time consuming.

I told my doctor that I was addicted to Twitter – he said, sorry I don’t follow you.

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." 
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." 

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 130 times last year." 
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."  

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 timmes last year." 
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." 

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." 

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable 
and he should make a full recovery.

Ok, golf jokes.

A redneck for the first time golfing, approaches the first tee with his friends. Upon examining  the Ball wash, he remarks, What will they think of next! A little high off the ground tho...

...um, I'll let you take it from there...

A drunk was tottering down the road, going home from the tavern. A car drives by, a little in a hurry. The drunk watches as the car swerves to miss something in the road ahead. The driver loses control, crosses the roadway, spins, and flips into a ditch, just missing an old oak tree. The drunk decides to help, and check on the driver. Arriving on the scene of the crash, he finds the driver to be a local Priest, Upon checking his injuries, he finds the Priest is basically unhurt. The Drunk tells the Priest, that he was really lucky to survive such a nasty crash without any real injury. The Priest replies to the drunk, "My son, it is because I had Jesus riding with me today." The Drunk looks around for a moment, then remarks to the priest, "Well, you better let him walk along with me from here on. You're gonna kill him!"

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." 
       
      The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a joke............

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”

She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the conservative side of the fence.”

A man sat down at the counter in a diner and asked for a bowl of chili. The waitress said the man next to him had bought the last bowlful.

Looking over he saw that the bowl was full and said, "May I have that if you're not going to eat it?" The fellow said sure and pushed the bowl over.

The man had eaten about half the chili when he scooped up a dead mouse. He immediately vomited up the chili he'd eaten into the bowl.

They guy next to him said, "Same thing happened to me."

Atheist: What's this fly doing in my soup? 
Waiter: Praying. 
Atheist: Very funny. I can't eat this. Take it back. 
Waiter: You see? The fly's prayers were answered. 

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. 

That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. 

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. 

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. 

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

Marriage is a workshop,

where the husband works

 and the wife shops

Someone asked: Whats the key to a happy marriage? I said the wife and I go out to eat twice a week...a little wine, a little candle light... I go on Tuesdays, she goes on Wednesdays. 

A man was distraught at finding his wife at home, on a ladder, with a paintbrush. A can of paint  was on the floor. But the thing that really caught his eye was when he saw she was wearing two very hot and stuffy fur coats. "What, darling, is the meaning of this?" he asked his wife.

"It's what I read on the instructions --'for best results, use two coats," she replied.

After considerable consideration, and quite a bit of contemplation, I've decided to make a decision.

What did the Israelite mom say when her son dropped his food on the floor of their tent in the wilderness? "Mind your mannas!"

The parson was livid-faced when he confronted his wife with the $800 dollar receipt for a new dress she had bought. "How could you do this?"
She said,"It looked great from the front." "I know it might have, but you know what to do when temptation comes. You say 'Get thee behind me Satan."
"I did," said the wife, "but then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"

"Blow on the fire so it doesn't go out," Tom bellowed.
"That's the last time I'll pet a lion," Tom said offhandedly.
"You missed a stitch," Tom needled.
"It's made the grass wet," Tom remarked after due consideration.
"He doesn't have any hair," Tom bawled.
"I've never had an accident," said Tom quite recklessly.

I'd like to pour you on my pancakes" Tom whispered surreptitiously.

...................................
These jokes were called "Tom Swiftlies", and refer to a series of adventure books for young readers, about the adventures of Tom Swift, a teen-aged inventor.

FUN FACT: Does your cellphone have a camera built in?

"Tom Swift and His Photo Telephone" was published in 1914.
A hundred and two years ago.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.