A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A few friends decided to go fishing. One was a Baptist minister, the second a Methodist minister, and finally, a Catholic Priest. They all climb in a small boat and paddle out into the lake, about 20 feet from shore.

After fishing for a while, they run low on bait. The Baptist minister stands in the boat, and announces he will go to to the store and buy some more bait. He then proceeds to step out of the boat and walk across the water to the shore, and across the street to the store.

After returning and fishing a while longer, the bait bucket again begins to run low. Finally, the Methodist minister stands, and announces; "well, I guess it's my turn to go". So he steps over the side of the boat, and also proceeds to walk across the water to the shore, and across the street to the store. 

Upon his return, and being blessed with good fishing, they decide to stay and continue fishing. But as you guessed, before long the bait bucket runs low. Finally, the Catholic Priest announces; "well, I suppose it's my turn to go get bait this time". So the Priest boldly steps over the side of the boat, and onto the water. WHOOSH! he sinks to the bottom. The other two ministers help him back up onto the side of the boat. The Priest says, "Wow boys, I know I have as much faith as you guys, let me try this again". So a second time, the Priest stands, and steps out of the boat on faith, onto the surface of the water. WHOOSH, he sinks to the bottom again.

The other two ministers again aid their colleague back into the boat. The priest once recovered, says, "well boys, I don't know what's wrong, I am sure I am as blessed as you are, and I know if you can do it, so can I. I just don't understand."

The Baptist minister turns to the Methodist minister, and asks; "Ya recon we ought to show him where those stumps are?"

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. 

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him. The other guy turned around and ran for his life. 

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. 

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot. 

"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.K.," said the other, "it was the male." 

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. 

"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked. 

"Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a tiger in the front seat.

"What are you doing with that tiger?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."

The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the tiger again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.

"I thought you were going to take that tiger to the zoo!"

The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!" 

A guy goes to the ophthalmologist in Edmonton who shows him a card with the letters: 

'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'  

"Can you read this?" he asks.

"Read it?" he replies, "I know the guy!"

 

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will do anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on ... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it." 

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,  

"No kidding? I'm with the Government too. Are you Federal or Provincial?

 An old European monastery is perched high on a 500-foot cliff. Visitors ride up in a big basket, pulled to the top with a ragged old rope.

  Halfway up, a passenger nervously asked:

 "How often do you change the rope?"

The monk in charge replied:  "Whenever the old one breaks."

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. 

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

"A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, ‘What was that all about?"

I bought a can of spot remover.

My dog disappeared.

I looked all over the store for camouflage clothing, but I couldn't find any.

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours.

A neighbour called his owner and asked what was happening.

The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements.'

In front of the local butcher's, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realised with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. It was, in fact, a collector's item.

He strolled into the store and offered two pounds for the cat. 'He's not for sale', said the butcher.Cat and Mouse picture

'Look', said the collector', that cat is dirty and scabby, but I'm an eccentric. I prefer cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten pounds'.  'It's a deal', said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten immediately.

'For that amount of money I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer', said the connoisseur', 'The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.'

'I can't do that', said the butcher firmly, 'That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 18 cats.'

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry:

Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!

How To Stop Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home .... and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

Molly and Jake from Wyoming finally had their dream come true. They proudly got into their brand new RV and headed north as they'd always wanted to see Canada. No problem making their way through Montana and crossing the border into Canada. They drove a few more hours but by then they were quite tired and pulled into a gas station to fill up and have a bite to eat..

Jake got out, walked to the little variety store and asked the attendant "what state, oh I mean province, is this?" The young man gave him a big smile and replied, "Saskatchewan." Jake thought for a couple of seconds and asked, "what 's the name of this city?" "Saskatoon," the attendant answered.

Jake shrugs and walks back to the RV. "So where are we?" asked Molly. "Dunno, he didn't speak English..."

An elderly couple were out for a Sunday drive through the countryside, but because of an argument they just had while en route - - neither of them were speaking to each other or willing to concede their position.

Driving past a barnyard with mules/ pigs/ and goats - -
the husband turned to his wife and asked sarcastically - -
"Those relatives of yours?"
 

"Yep" the wife answered, "my in-laws".  

A computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

From the dock the woman watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed
that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the captain disembarked.
As he did, she asked him," Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?" "Well," he
said. "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every
week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise.”
“Wow, that's amazing," the woman said. "Exactly how old are you?" He answered, "Thirty-one". 

A reporter was interviewing a Tugboat Captain who was celebrating his 82nd birthday. He was the oldest
captain on the river. At the end of the interview the reporter said, "I would love to come back and see you again
when you reach 90.The captain said, " Don't see why not. You look healthy enough to make it!"

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 


'This is the 21st century,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can use my iPad.' 

I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit it...

Three iPad engineers and three Samsung Galaxy Tab engineers are about to board a train to a computer conference.

The Samsung Galaxy Tab engineers notice that the iPad engineers bought only one ticket between them. The Samsung Galaxy Tab engineers ask the iPad engineers how they plan on getting to the conference. "Watch and learn," one of the iPad engineers tells them. As soon as the train leaves the station, the three iPad engineers rush from their seats and all squeeze into one restroom. When the conductor comes through the car he knocks on the restroom door and says "ticket please!" The door opens a crack and the one ticket is handed to the conductor. The Samsung Galaxy Tab engineers are impressed, and decide that's what they will do on the trip back.

Then on the return trip, the Samsung Galaxy Tab engineers notice that the iPad engineers haven't bought any tickets. "How do you plan on getting home without any tickets?" they ask. "Watch and learn," one of the iPad engineers tells them. As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Samsung Galaxy Tab engineers hurry for the restroom. A few moments later, one of the iPad engineers gets up from his seat, knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket please!"