A farmer drove into his neighbor's yard and knocked on the house door. It was opened by a boy of 9 or 10.

Farmer: "Is your mom or dad home?

Young Boy: "No, they went to town."

Farmer: "How about your brother Howard ... is he here?"

Boy: "No, he went with them."

The farmer fidgeted a bit, and the boy interjects, " But if you want to borrow a tool, I know where everything is.  Or, I could give a message to Dad."

"Well, No," the farmer says uncomfortably, "I wanted to talk to your dad about Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thinks for a few seconds and says, "Oh, you'll have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $200 for the bull, and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

...

I really thought FRIDAY was RIDE NAKED day, so I hopped on my BATMOBILE SCOOTER (see attached pic) and headed to the rally point.
Nobody there!
So I waited a while, nobody showed, and I headed home.

I'm heading north, a local police car was headed south.
Passed by me, did a quick 180 degree turn, hit the lights, but NOT the siren.
Instead, he leaned out the window with his megaphone, and stared singing...

"BATMAN! Nudie, Nudie, Nudie, BATMAN!"

... 

...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

quote:

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Originally posted by Owen

... 

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I just might ..buy a motorcycle...now...

...on my Facebook page:

Forgive me if this joke has already been on here somewhere. Here goes:

A cute little female fly was sitting on a freshly dropped cow patty in a field.
A sporty male fly spotted her and landed on a patty right next to hers. As she looked over at him, he smiled and said "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

... 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have gotten out today."

...

... 

... 

.

... 

...

A woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain, moaning.

The man strokes her back, "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry that you have to endure this..."

"Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."

.

The misses wanted to go out to dinner tonight, I asked where she would like to go. She said somewhere where they prepare the food in front of you. I said Subway?

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.

Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

.

I personally know the woman who DID this!
------------------------------
MOST FRIGHTENING HALLOWEEN PRANK
I’ve always loved practical jokes, but usually only when I’m pulling them.
Sixty three years ago I pulled the absolute best .

My oldest son was two at the time and, of course, wore a snowsuit in the winter
as we lived in an area that could get pretty darn cold. It was Halloween evening
and the snowsuit seemed to beckon me. I had hung it by the shoulders to dry
after an outing, and it sure looked like a little kid ready to go again.

I had a downstairs neighbor that was easily frightened. Of anything. She
screamed at small spiders, wandering neighbor cats that might be an evil
incarnation but most loudly and long if the lights happened to go off because
some jokester pulled the main switch.
Anyway, back to Halloween and the snow suit:

I carefully stuffed the suit with towels, added shoes for some stability and covered them with the attached booties. Then the mittens .
Now, what to do with the hat? How about putting it on an inflated balloon with a
false face (old cheap type whole face) over it? Sounded great, so on went the
balloon, false face, and hat. Perfect!
Little man and I went downstairs and knocked on ‘fraidy cat’s door. I leaned him
against the nearby railing and I crept around the corner. I also had on a false
face and a long, long coat.
Hunched over, I waited. She answered the door.
I held my breath.

She thought it was the little boy across the hall from her and began talking to it.
The more she talked the more real it became to her.
“Hi, Honey, are you trick or treating?” (Snicker from my hiding place).
“Johnny, can you say trick or treat?” She repeated this about a dozen times, sure
she could get little ‘Johnny’ to talk to her.
She heard me!
“Mary, I know that’s you!”, Fraidy hollered.

At that point I slunk around the corner (keeping in character).
Now, I was a smoker then and happened to have a lit cigarette.

I went to the little stuffed kid and said,”Johnny, why can’t you talk?” and touched
the cigarette to the balloon. The hat fell to the back, the false-face to the
front, and there, of course, was Headless Johnny!
A scream the likes of which is only heard in labor and delivery resounded through
the complex.
I did rush to explain (after I stopped laughing) and even apologized. Remarkably,
we remained friends. I even told her I knew who cut off her lights and I would
see that a stop was put to that.
And stop it did, which truly cemented our
friendship. Sixty odd years later and we are still in contact.
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