quote:
Originally posted by OmeboyThreaten me all you want.
But just keep in mind that I have a "brown belt" in SumFlungDung.
I have a black belt...and a little black matching handbag.
Her: "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."
Him: "How would you know? You don't even know what a carburetor is."
Her: "That doesn't matter. I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
Him: "I doubt it, but I'll have a look. Where is it?"
Her: "It's in the swimming pool."
My car had a carburetor, but my truck didn't have a truckburetor!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba.
I'm thinking of changing careers, to become a gynecologist. But first I'll take some classes in learning magic tricks so I can end each exam with the amazing, never-ending scarf illusion.
"Mister Vader, this is Dr McCoy. I'm asking you to come in for a prostate exam, because your urine specimen seems to be a bit on the dark side. "
... 
..
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
..
..
...and the hits just keep on coming....
..
.
.
During discussions with my neighbors, down at the corner tavern, I was surprised to discover how many people seem to be sexually attracted to the horse I rode in on.
Don't go blaming anybody else about the road you live on, it's your own ASPHALT!!
Did you know that there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?
.... and on the Virgin Islands?
Same thing ............. no canaries!!
Edited by - Owen on 09/21/2024 17:29:15
The Hawaiian Islands were formerly called the Sandwich Islands.
And if the name hadn't been changed, before it became a State, immigrants TO the U.S. from there might have been called "Sandwichers".
Fun fact: They were named after some English hotshot, and NOT named after what the residents did to the missionaries!
A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the Ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and boomed, "Give the Ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the Ballerina?'"
"As far as I'm concerned," the drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a Ballerina!"
. Question: How do you tune a banjo?
Answer: No one knows.
Question: What's the difference between a banjo player and a large pepperoni pizza?
Answer: The pizza can feed a family of four.
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