A man walks into a bar (appropriate, right?). He looks around and sees a very small, teeny man playing the nicest tune on a piano. He sees the bartender, and on the bar, there is something that looks like a dented Aladdin's style lamp. The man steps to the bar and orders a drink. He starts talking to the bartender and the subject turns to the dented lamp on the bar. The bartender tells the man that it is a wishing lamp, but you have to be careful what you wish for, because it is slightly broke. The man asks to give it a try, and the bartender after another warning relents to his request. So the man rubs the lamp and wishes, "I wish I had a million bucks". In just a minute, the front door and back door of the bar fly open. In comes a flock of ducks flying through, probably a million or so. The man says, "Wow, you're not kidding the lamp is broke. I asked for a million bucks and instead I got a million ducks." To this the bartender responds, "Yeah I know. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist, do you?"

When I was a boy, my Mom would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with a loaf of bread, some potatoes, a hunk of cheese, and a dozen eggs.    Can't do that nowadays .... they've got security cameras all over the place.  

I said I was thinking of getting a Labrador puppy, but one of my drinking buddies said
"Ahh, ya don't wanna do THAT! Din't ya notice how many of their owners end up going BLIND??"

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I recycled a VERY old joke, for a recent gig.

If memory serves, I heard it while still in grade school, 1957-59) from my Very Oldest Sister, Susan.
I changed it to CHEWING GUM, ......because!

Mary and I were doing a house concert, and silly old ME had forgotten to bring along the CAREFULLY PREPARED songbooks.
So, while waiting for our time to start, we came up with a list of a dozen old faves that we could do by heart.
Tom Dooley, U.R. My Son, Shane!, and similar.

Before beginning "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor", I recycled Susan's old joke.
Best to start speaking AS IF there is something stuck to the roof of your mouth:
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Errr arr TWO WAYS t' gih chewing gum off, if iss DUCK t' yrrrr dentures.
Ya can THPIT it oww (Puff! Puff) but da' don' work, OR ya dig i' off wi' yer finger
(Put finger mouth, move around withdraw, and speak CLEARLY) and THAT works admirably well.
And there are also two ways to remove chewing gum from one's finger.
You can BLOW it off (Puff, puff!), but that doesn't usually work well.
OR, you can BITE it off. (Put finger back in mouth, remove) ann at works purry good!
Now, errr arr TWO WAYS t' gih chewing gum off, if iss DUCK t' yrrrr dentures.

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( The audience reaction was SUCH a delight!)

Knowing what I do, I found this a rather ODD way to label coffee!

The former kindergarten kids were getting used to First Grade, and the teacher was trying to get them to use "adult words", instead of baby talk.

So on Monday, she asked them, one at a time, if anything interesting had happened over the weekend.

Mary Margaret said "We had a visit from our nana!!"

Teacher corrected her:
Grandmother, Mary Margaret, the ADULT word is Grandmother

Elon said "I went for a ride on a choo-choo!"
Teacher corrected him:
TRAIN, Elon. The adult word is train.

MIKEY said
"I read a book to my baby sister...."
he paused to recall the proper Adult word, and said
"It was WINNIE the 5HIT !"

Not a JOKE, per se, but I think it's funny to be ASKED, although it's got to be some sort of a SCAM!
============================

Hi,

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List contains: Company Name, Contact Name, Role, Title, Address, Location, Telephone, Email address and more...

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======================

Ummm, no!

Tagged it as SPAM, and did not reply.

If I have $1,526.00 to spare, I'll buy a Genuine Vintage Collectible REMO banjo on Ebay.

(You knw it's a REMO, 'cuz it says so right on the drumskin!)

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Got a text from my wife saying she was breaking up with me.  Imagine how relieved I was when a few minutes later, she texted me again, "Sorry wrong number."

WORDS are IMPORTANT!!

For example, "Pacifier" and "Peacemaker" seem to be similar words......
until you're deciding which one to give to a baby to gnaw on!

Dunno just how old I'd have been when I found out that "soothers" had any other names, but rest assured it was well past the age of active participation.  

In any event I think stuff like this is kinda interesting:   

Pacifier, soother, dummy, binky... and that's just the ones I know, in English.
With fifty-some nations having members, the HangOut could probably compose a list of hundreds.

Popped up on my Facebook this aft:

"I'm not sure if I'd be more afraid of dying from a fire in the building or by using the stairs."     Credit: Randy Perkinson

Nintendo has teamed with Parker Brothers to produce an occult game. It's called a Luigi Board.

My friend told me it helps you to communicate with people in pasta lives.

instagram.com/reel/DGjwPDCPErT...5ejh0NTVz

quote:

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Originally posted by chuckv97

instagram.com/reel/DGjwPDCPErT...5ejh0NTVz

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If you don't have Instagram https://youtu.be/yk8lmLiD_L0?si=yp4Z0mvBZIn7o3gm

Dunno whether to laugh or cry ...... but seeing as this is the "continuous joke" thread ....

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Not exactly a joke, but if you can’t laugh at yourself then you’re probably not here anyway.

Today I realized how bad my vision actually is and it made me laugh.

I don’t play the autoharp much but I picked it up and didn’t bother with glasses because I was just thinking a few 3 chord strums, I didn’t need a book to do that.

I can no longer read the letters on the buttons! Those honkin’ half inch letters!!

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A pun or a groaner???

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