MWBailey - Posted - 01/05/2016:  19:31:51

Cats mating with elephants in an empty cistern.

You have to keep cats away from elephants, because

OM45GE - Posted - 01/06/2016:  03:43:29

the idea of a mutant elephant tearing through the house chasing a mouse is too horrible to contemplate. 

It could even result

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/06/2016:  03:50:19

in mating in cisterns again.

Their offspring are called Elly-Cats,,not to be confused with

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/06/2016:  09:27:14

felinephants, a rare offspring resulting from overstressed mating practices.

But,of course, they are frightened of

OM45GE - Posted - 01/06/2016:  09:40:02

representatives from Barnum and Bailey's Circus. 

They will

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/07/2016:  12:27:30

try to mate with anything!!

Deformed offspring will

OM45GE - Posted - 01/07/2016:  16:41:37

spread across the globe, wreaking havoc among the indigenous species. 

Particularly hard hit will be

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/07/2016:  17:26:49

the Badgers in Wisconsin, who are naturally suspicious of hepcats and their relatives.

Not only that, but cheeseheads

OM45GE - Posted - 01/08/2016:  03:35:09

will mate with Vikings fans leading to mixed NFL allegiance households. 

Who knows what that might

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/08/2016:  04:49:26

lead to in the Dr.offices?

Well,,not to worry,,maybe some

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/08/2016:  09:11:33

day Vikings and Packers can work together in an atmosphere of simmering hostility.

A Case can be

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/08/2016:  09:41:56

very heavy if you put bricks in it.

Tom and Jerry are no longer

OM45GE - Posted - 01/08/2016:  13:43:03

speaking to one another after the contract negotiations fell apart.

Tom thought Jerry

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/08/2016:  14:26:36

was dipping his fingers in the till.

And Jerry thought Tom was

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/08/2016:  15:10:40

trying to claw his way to the top of the cartoon empire.



Tuffy took over the

Edited by - chuckv97 on 01/08/2016 15:11:01

OM45GE - Posted - 01/08/2016:  18:09:55

series and tried to turn it into animated smut with him as the head stud.

None of the networks

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/09/2016:  03:29:57

would air it because they said it was porno.

But it wasn't porno,,it was

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/09/2016:  06:58:31

a scientific documentary using animation, concerning animal husbandry.

My last chance at a Ph.D.

OM45GE - Posted - 01/09/2016:  06:58:34

pron, which is a little known and very twisted form of animation. 

The Toons all

MWBailey - Posted - 01/09/2016:  17:04:13

Stood up to dance, but they never got the chance.

'Cause the players tried to take the field, but

OM45GE - Posted - 01/09/2016:  17:21:00

were held back by the police barricades. 

They wanted to know why

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/09/2016:  17:52:16

the goalposts were torn down BEFORE the game.

Field goals were difficult

OM45GE - Posted - 01/09/2016:  19:40:18

to judge without the goalposts as references. 

However the referee was blind so 

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/10/2016:  15:13:52

each team called their own penalties.

During the 3rd quarter the left guard

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/10/2016:  17:01:46

slipped some Right Guard to the center, as his monkey butt was distracting the QB.

A quarterback sneak

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/11/2016:  02:55:20

failed,so they now have to punt.

Basketball bats are a different kind

OM45GE - Posted - 01/11/2016:  03:49:21

of sporting equipment. 

They belong in the category of

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/11/2016:  06:04:03

weapons for defense.

Our high school outlawed them because

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/11/2016:  07:36:08

it resulted in an armed insurrection at the vice principle's office.

Those running afoul of the law

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/11/2016:  17:17:01

were classified as outlaws.

Now they're in big trouble with

OM45GE - Posted - 01/12/2016:  03:22:04

the cheer leading squad. 

They are angry about

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/12/2016:  06:47:45

their cheer leading skirts are still too long.

So the principal decided to

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/12/2016:  07:05:49

announce his immediate retirement, washing his hands of the matter.

A rudderless high school

jistgreg - Posted - 01/12/2016:  09:10:21

is like an udderless cow. 

It can moo up a storm, but 

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/12/2016:  18:56:03

you can't get milk from a dry cow.

Emmit Funderberg tried that once and the cow

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/12/2016:  19:06:49

kicked the milk pail across the barn floor, then swished her tail harshly across Emmit's face.

Ag agent Kimble showed up

OM45GE - Posted - 01/13/2016:  03:44:49

and informed Emmit that he had been trying to milk the bull. 

Needless to say, Emmit was

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/13/2016:  05:37:32

not happy with that information.

He told Mr. Kimble to

OM45GE - Posted - 01/13/2016:  06:07:02

pass him the hand sanitizer and made him promise not to tell a soul.

Needless to say, Mr. Kimble immediately

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/13/2016:  09:00:17

phoned the SPCA and put old Emmit in a full Nelson.

The judge took one look

OM45GE - Posted - 01/13/2016:  10:43:54

the evidence that came to hand and threw the book at Emmit.

Fortunately it was a

MWBailey - Posted - 01/13/2016:  20:53:34

smeared it on a fencepost to deter termites.

It looked so effective that I smeared it on

OM45GE - Posted - 01/14/2016:  03:33:16

my banjo and a few of my guitars. 

I regret the decision because

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/14/2016:  06:40:02

termite repellent is like gooey green slime.

Not only that, but

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/14/2016:  13:56:37

it's very yuckie.

Then Uncle Herman came to visit and

OM45GE - Posted - 01/14/2016:  17:50:26

talked some sense into me. 

He made me realize that I

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/14/2016:  18:23:02

should stay grateful, and never doubt the wisdom of the residents of Ryker's Island.

Jailhouse conversions

OM45GE - Posted - 01/15/2016:  03:30:39

are suspect by many who think they're just a ploy for early release.

However, if you talk to

banjoscotty - Posted - 01/15/2016:  04:32:38

one of them you'll see that he is actually crazy.

The jailers are getting this under control by