Omeboy - Posted - 07/18/2018:  06:39:16

arrested her for impersonating a military cargo plane----she had put on a considerable amount of weight over the years.

So I summed up the courage to . . .

OM45GE - Posted - 07/18/2018:  06:48:10

tell her I wanted a divorce, but didn’t go very well at all.

First, she

Omeboy - Posted - 07/18/2018:  07:43:21

made it clear that she was actually my biological mother and that I only assumed she was my wife. Maybe that explains why my first name is Oedipus.

Then she showed me an old a photograph of . . . .

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/18/2018:  08:58:52

my sorry-looking self in a stroller,being pushed down the street by Penelope, our neighbo(u)rhood dogwalker.

Kibbles was never my favourite

OM45GE - Posted - 07/18/2018:  12:40:08

snack, but it was all my mother would allow me to have.

Penelope used to try

Omeboy - Posted - 07/18/2018:  12:47:19

to breast-feed me, but it turns out she was actually my Uncle Fred in drag.



I guess you could say my childhood was . . . .

Edited by - Omeboy on 07/18/2018 12:47:48

OM45GE - Posted - 07/18/2018:  12:49:51

not what most people would think of as normal.

However, I would ask them

Omeboy - Posted - 07/18/2018:  13:03:34

"So did your Daddy ever discipline you with the power tools?"

Yeah, those were the days, but my fondest memory is when . . .

OM45GE - Posted - 07/18/2018:  13:18:48

when I finished fourth grade.

It was the best three years of my life, but

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/18/2018:  13:20:51

things quickly went downhill after that.

I contracted a rambling disorder

Omeboy - Posted - 07/18/2018:  13:43:58

My problem went mis-diagnosed for years. I rambled away jobs, girlfriends and even my pet hamster, Ernie. My rambling was out of control. It wasn't until I submitted a Ph.D. thesis entitled: "Linear Induction Magnetic Pick Oscillations In Waaaay Overpriced Particle Board Banjos" that I was properly diagnosed. My doctoral committee said: "Hey! This guy is just rambling already!!!" 

Now my problem is under medical control. But now and then I . . . . . . .

Edited by - Omeboy on 07/18/2018 13:50:48

OM45GE - Posted - 07/18/2018:  20:45:00

forget what I am talking about.

Did you ever

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/19/2018:  08:04:09

walk into a room, not knowing why you're there?

My shadow has a date

OM45GE - Posted - 07/19/2018:  12:58:39

and I’m not sure I care for them at all.

For one thing, they keep

banjoscotty - Posted - 07/19/2018:  16:00:02

wanting to get into the light

Omeboy - Posted - 07/19/2018:  16:19:35

....and by "light," I mean lite beer. They're drinking me dry with their all night parties.



But my next-door neighbor is the worst. He constantly . . . . . .

Edited by - Omeboy on 07/19/2018 16:22:28

OM45GE - Posted - 07/19/2018:  18:44:35

pounds on the walls and yells so loud I can barely hear my banjo.

Why he doesn’t just go back to bed is

Omeboy - Posted - 07/19/2018:  20:30:34

certainly understandable. I mean his wife is a real, honest-to-god sasquatch. She must be eight feet tall and weigh at least a thousand pounds.

One time I saw her . . . . . . .

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/19/2018:  20:34:30

tossing back a gallon of whisky in one swallow.

she then proceeded

OM45GE - Posted - 07/20/2018:  04:16:33

lope off into the woods yelling something about freaking out photographers.

I grabbed my camera and

banjoscotty - Posted - 07/20/2018:  07:25:54

got a few shots of her bare butt.

Then I went blind and

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/20/2018:  08:21:58

learned how to tune pianos.

I disassembled the black keys

Omeboy - Posted - 07/20/2018:  10:37:01

replaced all the spark plugs on the white keys and greased the transmission. Now all this little piano needed to be concert ready was a new seat belt and an air bag.



My stupid brother-in-law wanted to know if . . . . .

Edited by - Omeboy on 07/20/2018 10:38:28

banjoscotty - Posted - 07/20/2018:  16:16:23

he could get another wife

But his present wife said

OM45GE - Posted - 07/20/2018:  19:14:47

three wives is enough you perverted old fart.

That family is

Omeboy - Posted - 07/20/2018:  20:04:52

definitely NOT Mensa Club material. If brains were taxable, they'd all be gett'en one hell of a big refund.

Two years ago, my nutty brother-in-law and his wife were arrested for...........

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/20/2018:  22:24:05

stealing GrapeNuts cereal from the mission soup kitchen.

Little did they know

OM45GE - Posted - 07/21/2018:  05:00:53

the police were looking for a cereal killer and had hidden tracking devices in the GrapeNuts.



When the hapless couple were arrested, they

Edited by - OM45GE on 07/21/2018 05:01:12

banjoscotty - Posted - 07/21/2018:  08:43:23

begged for mercy but Captain McClennahan said shut up.

They had nobody to bail them out so

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/21/2018:  12:07:17

they played "The Woodchopper's Breakdown" in their jail cell til 4 am.

By then the guards

Omeboy - Posted - 07/21/2018:  12:42:44

had both shot themselves, but fortunately my brother-in-law was able to reach the cell keys by unscrewing his wooden leg and putting a big wad of chewing gum on the end of it.

As soon as they busted out of jail.............

banjoscotty - Posted - 07/21/2018:  16:42:03

the alarm went off and 1378 men surrounded them.

What happened then was a

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/21/2018:  16:49:58

scene fit for a Beagles Boys comic book episode.

Organized chaos reigned supreme

OM45GE - Posted - 07/21/2018:  18:23:11

and in the confusion our intrepid lovers made their escape.

After things calmed down,

banjoscotty - Posted - 07/21/2018:  18:39:01

They returned to town.

But his sister saw them and

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/21/2018:  19:57:36

threw down the gauntlet after reading the riot act.

Shame to the family name

Omeboy - Posted - 07/21/2018:  21:11:36

was nothing new for these folks, especially after their pet alligator, Snappy, thought the local dog park was an "all-you-can-eat" buffet.

So after a lot of apologizing, they all kissed and made up. And then they all decided they would ...........

OM45GE - Posted - 07/22/2018:  05:21:17

try to sell The History Channel on a reality TV show based on their lives.

They planned to call it

banjoscotty - Posted - 07/22/2018:  05:38:50

"We've All Gone Crazy"

But their attorney said

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/22/2018:  06:46:21

"insane" would be a safer bet, since Willie already had the rights to "Crazy".

However, things went amok

Omeboy - Posted - 07/22/2018:  07:43:22

when "Snappy" suddenly decided to have their attorney's left leg for lunch. "Bad, Snappy!" my brother-in-law yelled, "you spit that lawyer out right now!!!!" Snappy wasn't haven it.

Just then the phone rang. It was a call from........

OM45GE - Posted - 07/22/2018:  08:54:47

The History Channel saying the deal was off because even they had standards below which they wouldn't sink.

The lawyer asked if

chuckv97 - Posted - 07/22/2018:  14:06:07

they would consider doing a reality show about his law office business.

A click and dial tone

Omeboy - Posted - 07/22/2018:  15:25:44

was all he got for a response. But the lawyer had just barely hung up when the phone rang again.



This time it was a call from the Animal Planet show. They had read about Snappy in the newspapers and wanted to know if. . . . .

Edited by - Omeboy on 07/22/2018 15:26:45

OM45GE - Posted - 07/22/2018:  16:42:09

they would like to bring the little beast on a new show AP was planning about nightmare pets.

That was definitely

banjoscotty - Posted - 07/22/2018:  17:32:46

down Snappy's ally.

But before they could get Snappy to the studio he run off chasing

OM45GE - Posted - 07/22/2018:  18:07:55

and elderly widow, snapping at her heels and drawing blood.

That was the sort of thing

Omeboy - Posted - 07/22/2018:  18:19:31

that earned him his namesake, but truthfully, his real name was Nibblesworth Chompington Jr. He was the only alligator listed in the local phonebook.

Leaving a trail of chicken gizzards, they finally coaxed him into the studio and ........

OM45GE - Posted - 07/22/2018:  18:22:39

onto the casting couch where Phil Spector was waiting.

"This is going to get interesting" thought