chuckv97 - Posted - 08/07/2020:  16:58:24

you have copious amounts of wax in your ears.

Then compliment her figure

OM45GE - Posted - 08/07/2020:  17:45:51

and ask if she’d like to get a bite to eat.

Her answer will tell you

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/07/2020:  17:57:42

if she’s bought your deceptive avoidance ploy.

My last wife was a mind-reader

KyBanjo - Posted - 08/07/2020:  18:23:29

and often thought she knew my thoughts.

I showed her

OM45GE - Posted - 08/08/2020:  03:20:51

by stopping having any thoughts at all, or so I thought.

She immediately

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/08/2020:  03:46:51

lit into me for not being thoughtful.

Living with her was

OM45GE - Posted - 08/08/2020:  06:12:43

good practice for Marine Corps boot camp.

After a few years with her,

jacot23 - Posted - 08/09/2020:  16:08:59

I could peel Potatoes with the best of them.

Darn shame she couldn't...

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/09/2020:  16:10:30

boil water.

I had to do all the cooking

OM45GE - Posted - 08/10/2020:  03:54:09

which meant we ate out frequently.

It’s not that my cooking was bad, but she

jacot23 - Posted - 08/10/2020:  06:34:30

was allergic to most things I knew how to cook.

Kinda dumb on my part I suppose...

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/10/2020:  06:37:14

but deep down I was trying to get her to leave home.

After our 213th meal at McDonalds

jacot23 - Posted - 08/10/2020:  06:41:28

my wasteland had had enough.

So I started cooking every meal...

xmark - Posted - 08/10/2020:  09:18:33

and since I'm a "meat and potatoes" kind of guy, she quickly tired of the menu.

She then began to clip recipes out of magazines and leave then taped to my shaving mirror, but the straw that finally broke the camel's back

jacot23 - Posted - 08/10/2020:  10:23:38

was when I fixed Spaghetti and Meatballs.


You see she is deathly allergic to...

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/10/2020:  10:38:01

tomatoes , even after soaking them in hand sanitizer overnight.

I told her tomatoes are a nightshade plant

OM45GE - Posted - 08/10/2020:  12:53:59

but she apparently misunderstood me.

She asked what the heck tomatoes had to do with

jacot23 - Posted - 08/11/2020:  04:06:28

 the price of tea in China.



I told her to eat some spaghetti with extra sauce and...

Edited by - jacot23 on 08/11/2020 04:06:59

OM45GE - Posted - 08/11/2020:  04:09:04

to please stop talking with her mouth full.

That seemed to upset her

jacot23 - Posted - 08/11/2020:  06:50:01

, but I didn't care.

I knew that very soon she would...

OM45GE - Posted - 08/11/2020:  07:11:41

be lying in her recliner and snoring loudly.

Soon the neighbors will be

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/11/2020:  09:13:33

over for some competitive fun tossing peas into her gaping mouth.



I’ve had to sleep in the garage

Edited by - chuckv97 on 08/11/2020 09:14:08

xmark - Posted - 08/11/2020:  09:18:30

since the last time I invited them over for an evening of fun and games.

Turns out it was worth it though, because I realized

jacot23 - Posted - 08/11/2020:  09:40:40

they bring extra booze.


There isn't much better than...

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/11/2020:  09:46:25

a house full of pea-pickin’ drunks.

Archie, my neighbor on the north side, swore off drinking

OM45GE - Posted - 08/11/2020:  10:00:58

for several hours.

Then he realized that

jacot23 - Posted - 08/11/2020:  13:43:28

he couldn't tolerate his wife without booze.

Now he's got his own...

KyBanjo - Posted - 08/11/2020:  16:20:11

still set up in his basement.

He often invites his friends over for

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/11/2020:  16:37:25

cheese and crackers, tiddly-winks, and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

He’s paranoid that

xmark - Posted - 08/11/2020:  19:44:35

one day the revanuers will find out what he's been doing.



He's afraid they will take away

Edited by - xmark on 08/11/2020 19:44:58

OM45GE - Posted - 08/12/2020:  03:30:45

everything he holds dear and leave him alone with his wife.

The very thought of it

jacot23 - Posted - 08/12/2020:  05:02:10

makes us both sick to our stomachs.

Can you imagine...

OM45GE - Posted - 08/12/2020:  05:33:33

how slowly time would pass?

it would have me wishing

Edited by - OM45GE on 08/12/2020 05:33:57

jacot23 - Posted - 08/12/2020:  05:40:47

I'd bought that 100 acres in the country.

Surely I could hide...

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/12/2020:  09:16:40

out in the outhouse or at least in the back forty.

I remember winter nights

OM45GE - Posted - 08/12/2020:  09:37:48

that were colder than a witch’ thorax.

Not that I’ve ever

jacot23 - Posted - 08/12/2020:  16:44:07

cared, staying drunk and all.

Guess I better...

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/12/2020:  16:50:51

turn over a new leaf, since the old one has become tattered and worn.

I recently started taking growth hormones

jacot23 - Posted - 08/12/2020:  17:29:56

but I have to stop.

I'm certain they're not supposed to

xmark - Posted - 08/12/2020:  19:05:34

make my ears touch my shoulders.

On the plus side,

OM45GE - Posted - 08/13/2020:  03:19:02

I haven't needed to trim my fingernails since they started dragging on the ground.

I'm also able to

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/13/2020:  03:42:55

join McGwire and Sosa at the Freaks of Nature annual reunion.

My new employer is Barnum &Bailey

OM45GE - Posted - 08/13/2020:  03:45:22

and I hope to have a long and happy career with them.

They pay me in bananas with

xmark - Posted - 08/13/2020:  09:08:16

with anchovie sauce on the side.

The pay isn't much to write home about, but the housing and fringe benefits are great because

OM45GE - Posted - 08/13/2020:  10:27:47

the bearded lady and I are shacking up in her trailer.

She’s not really

jacot23 - Posted - 08/13/2020:  14:29:45

bearded though, really very pretty under all the fake stuff.


Fortunately it's not fake where...

chuckv97 - Posted - 08/13/2020:  14:38:27

the rubber meets the road,,,nudge, nudge,,wink, wink.

Her checkered past

jacot23 - Posted - 08/13/2020:  15:22:45

does frighten me a bit.

Lot's of rumors about her

KyBanjo - Posted - 08/13/2020:  18:27:08

and Sgt. Ohara when they were younger.

Seems this one time they