OM45GE - Posted - 02/21/2017:  14:52:25

you're sleeping and they have ropes and duct tape.

I did and they immediately

Forrest - Posted - 02/21/2017:  18:18:30

sprung into action, binding me up in ways I haven't experienced since my BDSM days.

I could tell you stories 

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/21/2017:  18:48:56

but I'd like to protect the innocent, yet diabolical, partners of my checkered past.

I wore out my rear view mirror

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/22/2017:  03:19:26

after I got cataract surgery.

Her birthday is July 32nd but she

Forrest - Posted - 02/22/2017:  06:21:26

doesn't look a day over 148 years young.

Cheddar cheese blows the best bubbles

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/22/2017:  06:43:37

but Swiss yodels like nobody's business.

My cow's gone dry

OM45GE - Posted - 02/22/2017:  11:04:39

and I think it's my fault because I can't stop milking her.

It feels so good when I

Forrest - Posted - 02/22/2017:  11:05:55

grab her teats and smack her rump, then hold on for dear life.

This may border on addiction

OM45GE - Posted - 02/22/2017:  11:09:47

but it's not one I'm trying to kick.

I would like help quitting

Forrest - Posted - 02/22/2017:  12:34:19

lots of things, but my love affair with Bessie's udders is too titillating to resist.

The only downside is I'm now

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/22/2017:  12:37:21

about to close the barn doors after the horses have escaped.

Then I let the cat out of

Forrest - Posted - 02/22/2017:  12:40:49

the bag and Old Pu$$y is heading for the hills like she was shot out of a cannon.

The fur was flying and

Edited by - Forrest on 02/22/2017 12:41:09

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/22/2017:  14:59:22

Old Blue was hot on her heels.

They won't be back because

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/22/2017:  15:14:09

life on the farm was getting downright weird.

The roosters and billy goats

Forrest - Posted - 02/22/2017:  15:19:30

were wife swapping and the cow had some odd banjo playing dude who was obsessed with her teats. 

Things weren't any better at the farmhouse

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/23/2017:  02:55:05

so Mrs. Brown jumped over the moon..

The man in the moon saw her and

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2017:  06:42:26

offered her moon pie.

She slapped his cheesy face

Forrest - Posted - 02/23/2017:  06:53:40

and the dish ran away with the spoon.

Humpty Dumpty, however, 

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/23/2017:  11:03:35

turned "sunny side" up.

Just about that time Little Red Riding Hood came

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2017:  11:16:49

out of the woodwork, having been employed at the Radokovonikalivona Sawmill .

Fingers were often missing

OM45GE - Posted - 02/23/2017:  12:18:16

and the facial scars could be downright frightful.

Even worse were the ones on 

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/23/2017:  12:54:51

the third hand.

The Dr. said it they would

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2017:  13:11:12

have you spell out your requests they might hold out a greased palm.

Bribery is one thing, bu

OM45GE - Posted - 02/23/2017:  13:17:29

extortion is quite another matter altogether.

If you don't pay me $100,000 immediately I will

Forrest - Posted - 02/23/2017:  13:24:09

have my boys relieve you of a few things you would prefer remain attached to your body.

Deliver the money to 

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2017:  14:18:09

Fingers Falloon at Box 3487 ,c/o Grim Jim's Bar and Grill, on Downcast St.

Make sure you

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/23/2017:  15:50:06

bring a gun in case you prefer to shoot it out.

Otherwise come alone or else we'll

Forrest - Posted - 02/23/2017:  18:08:01

make an example of you that others won't forget.

It was at that point

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2017:  18:09:28

of his knife that my life flashed before my eyes.

I was a blue baby

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/24/2017:  02:54:36

caused by being born in a sub zero temperature.

Mamma took a look at me and

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2017:  05:07:35

and then looked at my naked butt and yelled "Twins".

That was the beginning of a 

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/24/2017:  05:50:39

long and winding road ,often dancing cheek to cheek with many a devil woman.

Things started looking up

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2017:  06:02:02

when I started dating my first girlfriend but they quickly went downhill when we got married.

That was the first of many

Forrest - Posted - 02/24/2017:  09:27:02

trips to the alter I would make, which shows my learning curve is relatively nonexistent. 

The one thing I learned is

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/24/2017:  13:45:26

to alter my spelling studies, having confessed my shortcomings to the friendly pastor at the altar.



Another problem was my bride's trane

Edited by - chuckv97 on 02/24/2017 13:45:54

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2017:  18:36:06

air conditioning unit which she used to keep her train cool before the wedding.

She thought a cool train would 

Forrest - Posted - 02/24/2017:  19:37:24

deter the spellin fashists, but that didn't happen a-tall. 

In fact, they got riled up and

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/24/2017:  19:48:05

threw alphabet soup and scrabble tiles around the wedding chapel.

And so it went

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2017:  05:06:32

with her guests making fun of her erudite ways whilst she bemoaned their philistinism. 

She vowed that the next time she celebrated nuptials 

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/25/2017:  05:51:45

it would be with her true love.

That probably won't

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/25/2017:  06:42:36

happen 'til she gets rid of her pet snake.

The trouble with snakes is

Forrest - Posted - 02/25/2017:  10:35:16

when you take them into church, people start handling them, then the handling leads to speaking in tongues and visions.

I once bit a snake

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2017:  18:48:45

but it was an accident.

I thought it was 

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/25/2017:  18:58:12

big old hunk of beef jerky, with fancy markings.

The poisonous fangs

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/26/2017:  05:40:45

missed my face by fraction of an inch..

So I bit the snake again and

OM45GE - Posted - 02/26/2017:  07:28:09

this time it sank its fangs deep into my arm. 

I immediately thought 

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/26/2017:  07:59:40

now I'm in a fix.

But Tarzan came and cut the wound and

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/26/2017:  08:03:25

sucked out the poison, then spit it out in my face.

He gave me tips

OM45GE - Posted - 02/26/2017:  10:08:55

how to keep your lady friend from going ape over chimpanzees. 

He also had good advice on