chuckv97 - Posted - 02/27/2017:  07:13:34

roller skate in a water buffalo herd, so I lost interest.

I need a gal that can

Forrest - Posted - 02/27/2017:  09:42:16

has some real pizzazz, a woman that isn't afraid to be a real man.

My last girlfriend

OM45GE - Posted - 02/27/2017:  12:14:42

tattooed my name on her buttocks along with all of her other boyfriends.

They were alphabetized 

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/27/2017:  12:44:51

,then sanitized and scrutinized by the leering tattooist.

Big Bertha opened her tattoo parlo(u)r

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/27/2017:  13:42:29

but never got any customers.

With all those tattoos she looked like a freak and no one

OM45GE - Posted - 02/27/2017:  18:08:28

would let her babysit their children. 

Except the couple with 

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/28/2017:  02:09:04

rings in their noses.

They didn't realize that

OM45GE - Posted - 02/28/2017:  03:11:50

their kids posed a serious threat to the tattooed lass and her entire family. 

They kids were 

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/28/2017:  13:31:29

raised on pain and didn't take any prisoners.

Never babysit

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/28/2017:  13:41:05

with a woman your same age.

She will think of something

OM45GE - Posted - 02/28/2017:  14:01:15

silly to say and expect you to understand the unspoken meaning behind the words.

When you don't reply correctly, she will

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/28/2017:  14:49:04

say, "You never, ever pay any attention to me - it's always music, music, music with you!"

Then she starts throwing things

OM45GE - Posted - 02/28/2017:  17:44:40

which is when I usually head for the music room, lock the door and start playing.

After that, it's music, music, music for me and I don't

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/01/2017:  03:49:57

ever want to face her like that again.

Maybe someday we'll

OM45GE - Posted - 03/01/2017:  04:38:17

be able to see eye to eye.

She'd have to stand on a stool

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/01/2017:  04:41:59

but she might have to wait til it dries up.

I don't mean to get too insensitive, but

OM45GE - Posted - 03/01/2017:  04:44:02

I've learned to tune out her non-stop whining.

I don't know what would happen if something really bad

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/01/2017:  05:12:38

like a sore throat would keep her from talking.

But she sure has a fine looking

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/01/2017:  05:23:36

sister who often comes over to see my etchings.

Art is a bridge

OM45GE - Posted - 03/01/2017:  06:55:57

between cultures but it doesn't help with uncultured swine. 

My father used to say you could lead a whore to culture but you couldn't make her like flowers, which always confused me because 

Forrest - Posted - 03/01/2017:  07:57:44

I am a man whore and I love flowers, and culture!

The hardest part of being a man whore is

OM45GE - Posted - 03/01/2017:  08:02:21

spending all the hard earned money. 

There are only so many 

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/01/2017:  10:00:48

dollars from payday to payday.

But some of them will give you credit if

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/01/2017:  11:56:37

you grovel, beg, and kiss butt.

Personally, I'd rather

OM45GE - Posted - 03/01/2017:  12:27:36

embezzle the money by pretending to be an IRS agent.

It's much lower risk and

Forrest - Posted - 03/01/2017:  18:33:20

you get to screw someone else for a change.

My annual deductions

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/01/2017:  18:44:34

are enough to pay for two lunches for Chris Christie.

My frequent abductions, however,

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/01/2017:  19:50:52

do not include such luxuries.

I tried that once and

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/01/2017:  21:14:02

the abductors injected me with sodium pentathol - the truth serum.

Since then my

OM45GE - Posted - 03/02/2017:  03:13:26

confessions have been pretty revealing. 

The priest is starting to wonder 

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/02/2017:  04:28:30

why I haven't died or been killed before now.

But it's been a great battle just to

OM45GE - Posted - 03/02/2017:  05:54:46

keep a straight face when he tells me to say 5,000 Hail Marys. 

That will take

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/02/2017:  07:44:07

me a month of Sundays, barring leap year, that is.

Maybe I'll just

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/02/2017:  09:35:19

Become a Baptist.

Anyway that should

OM45GE - Posted - 03/02/2017:  16:37:21

be the end of whatever church lets me in. 

After the lightning strikes

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/02/2017:  16:46:27

and the steeple comes crashing through the ceiling most parishioners will want to string me up.

Forgiveness is not their strong suit

OM45GE - Posted - 03/03/2017:  02:25:18

especially after they find out about the incident. 

I don't understand why 

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/03/2017:  03:40:14

the preachers wife liked all the men so much.

She would bake cookies and

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/03/2017:  04:42:01

apple pies laced with saltpeter.

She admired non-virile men

OM45GE - Posted - 03/03/2017:  06:14:09

because their helpless impotence gave her a sense of power.

She used that power to

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/03/2017:  08:51:18

wear them out.

But she didn't figure on

Forrest - Posted - 03/03/2017:  13:41:16

Piss-Pot Pete and his all powerful libido and virility. 

Pete did a number on her

OM45GE - Posted - 03/03/2017:  14:55:14

that's she's still talking about to this day with a wistful look in her eye and a catch in her voice.

I think she's

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/03/2017:  17:59:04

made the preacher sleep by himself in a separate bedroom.

Long suffering and sacrifice are attributes

OM45GE - Posted - 03/04/2017:  03:46:22

that are very overrated in my humble opinion. 

What is the point 

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/04/2017:  19:02:51

on a ball point pen supposed to look like?

My penmanship is sailing

OM45GE - Posted - 03/04/2017:  21:22:03

on the good ship Lollypop  

It's a sweet gig but 

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/05/2017:  07:42:16

not much money involved..

If you wanna make money playing banjo,you have to

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/05/2017:  07:58:39

sell hubcaps on the side.

Kneecapping can also generate income