Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/23/2014:  14:26:33

well with cool clear water in it

At the dance last night

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2014:  15:47:59

somebody stepped on my hands.

I had a few too many

jistgreg - Posted - 02/23/2014:  16:46:53

relatives until I figured out a surefire way to handle them. 

Don't let anybody tell you 

kcjc69 - Posted - 02/23/2014:  16:58:51

that strychnine isn't for just rats anymore.

Does the cheese really make

OM45GE - Posted - 02/23/2014:  17:20:33

the strychnine taste good?

My relatives can't answer

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2014:  18:41:15

that cuz they've long ago expired.

The relative shelf life

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/23/2014:  18:53:03

of uranium is half life.

They make gas down here with

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2014:  18:55:18

cabbage and Brussels sprouts,mixed in with cow dung.

The rabbits won't touch it

jistgreg - Posted - 02/24/2014:  00:09:37

with a barge pole because they don't  have opposable thumbs. 

Of course, around here if you oppose thumbs 

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2014:  03:47:25

the hitchhikers anti-defamation league will protest your existence. 

They are particularly 

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/24/2014:  05:22:54

interested in my chili recipe/formula.

It's more powerful that nitro and only

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2014:  06:27:12

costs a few hundred dollars a gallon to prepare.

I once watched an entire roomful of diners

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/24/2014:  07:17:28

flatulate with gleeful abandon.

The maitre de fainted

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2014:  08:19:10

and resisted all attempts at resuscitation.

Some of us suspected that he

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/24/2014:  14:30:25

was wanted for something

While going down the road with my hair blowing in the wind, I couldn't remember if I was on my Harley or my convertable . Then I

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2014:  15:30:37

woke up and realized it was all a dream.

Neither the Harley nor the convertible were

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/24/2014:  15:35:49

later models than 1947.

Well,,It's nice to go on a date and not have to

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2014:  15:48:12

buy flowers or put on a clean shirt.

My girlfriend doesn't

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/24/2014:  16:47:01

come from the right side of the tracks.

Her idea of fun

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/24/2014:  17:10:27

skinnin hogs and cleaning out the barn

The gas tank was on empty when the

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/24/2014:  17:46:16

sheriff said,Whatcha up to son?

My guitar amp was making to much racket so the neighbor

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/24/2014:  17:55:22

called the fire department and they shot it full of water

I try to use my banjo strings as

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2014:  18:07:56

cheese slicers. 

It worked pretty well except for

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/24/2014:  18:32:47

the G string broke and she was embarrassed then left me with all the mess to clean up

The only thins that bothered me was

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/24/2014:  20:20:05

that my wife caught me in the act.

she grabbed the g string

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/25/2014:  02:32:43

and tried to choke me with it.

It's 5:30 in morning and to early to

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2014:  02:42:24

be getting choked by an angry wife with a g-string.

The only solution was to

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  06:17:47

take my money and run

Once I was tied to a cactus

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2014:  07:17:47

with strands of barbed wire.

I actually sort of enjoyed

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  08:19:19

the pain,to relieve old hurts and guilt.

My shrink recommended I

RandyZ - Posted - 02/25/2014:  10:20:37

self medicate with ho-hos and other psychotropic substances.

i once ate a mushroom that was supposed to....

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  10:35:37

send me to the moon.

Walsh's hill is as far

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2014:  10:51:04

as I got, but I was pretty high when I got there.

I haven't tried 'shrooms since then, but only because

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/25/2014:  11:43:02

I can't find any.

When in Rome,you don't really

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2014:  11:46:08

do as the Romans do.

You sort of pretend that you

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  13:09:17

like spaghetti and Mass.

Don't say "harry vederchy"

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/25/2014:  14:18:58

while you're playing ping-pong.

Never say "Go ahead,,make my day" unless

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2014:  14:58:22

you're packing a 44 Magnum.

Even then, you need to be careful

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  15:20:10

not to do fast draws and shoot yourself in the foot

I never can get enough

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2014:  15:24:00

of that old time pig manure smell.

It reminds me of

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  15:37:53

halcyon days of yore on the farm.

Arnold Ziffel lived in the

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  15:50:57

middle of nowhere where the fish didn't bite but the cats did

The horses finally came in at

RandyZ - Posted - 02/25/2014:  15:55:42

A full gallop, all except one. Turns out he was applying for a....

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  16:09:40

buggy job with the Amish folks.

Taillights are required

kcjc69 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  16:31:35

In PA on even a horse tail. Aint it funny how

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  16:44:20

they look on cats tails

Th dogs finally came home after

kcjc69 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  16:47:40

they chased every cat in the neighborhood up a tree.

This morning the fire department

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2014:  16:52:13

came and hosed down my house.

The odd thing is that

kcjc69 - Posted - 02/25/2014:  16:57:17

the next door neighbors house burnt down.

Wonder if the price is right