OM45GE - Posted - 11/01/2016:  16:31:00

Two bulging mail bags watched closely by armed guards. 

I think they contain 

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/01/2016:  16:46:50

reply letters from Santa, mushed down from the North Pole to WallaWalla.

A one armed guard

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/02/2016:  01:41:24

who had no gun

OM45GE - Posted - 11/02/2016:  02:41:51

but did have a hip flask filled with gin. 

He kept

Forrest - Posted - 11/02/2016:  08:13:41

close watch on the mailbags knowing that Santa is not one to disappoint, however, this did not prevent him from periodically succumbing to the lure of old Vera Lynn on his hip.

As the night went on

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/02/2016:  08:28:56

poor old Santa got soused up a bit.

It's no wonder that he had to

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/02/2016:  08:43:45

get Rudolph to take the breathalyzer test, despite his red nose.

Officer Murphy turned a blind eye

Forrest - Posted - 11/02/2016:  09:07:15

to the snockered Santa and the fact that his lead reindeer was blitzed, not to be confused with Blitzen who had a subordinate role in the team.

The night went from bad to worse when 

OM45GE - Posted - 11/02/2016:  10:58:23

Santa mistakenly landed the sleigh in a private hunting preserve.

He and the two reindeer

Forrest - Posted - 11/02/2016:  13:53:13

didn't realize the danger they were in at first, but their situation quickly became apparent.

Apparently the marketing campaign for Target that Mrs. Klaus signed them up for

OM45GE - Posted - 11/02/2016:  14:04:48

required them to paint the retail giant's logo on their sides.

This made them

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/02/2016:  15:54:08

crassly commercialized ,garnering the ire of parents everywhere.

Coca-Cola was one thing, but

OM45GE - Posted - 11/02/2016:  18:22:56

the Remington Rifle deal was too much for the reindeer to take. 

They went on strike and

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/03/2016:  07:05:53

left poor Santa holding the reins.

This sudden change in event caused

OM45GE - Posted - 11/03/2016:  08:20:10

children around the globe to go without presents from Santa that year.

However, because he was

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/03/2016:  08:45:43

a legendary mythical figure, all was forgiven.

So the jolly fat man bought

OM45GE - Posted - 11/03/2016:  10:40:52

a ticket to Tahiti and ran off with the cute elf from accounting.

Mrs.Clause swore

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/03/2016:  11:03:32

to never make pop corn balls again.

But the reindeer never lost interest

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/03/2016:  11:05:29

in the annual flights around the world.

The magic of flying

Forrest - Posted - 11/03/2016:  13:04:42

was in their blood, but since money was tight without the corporate sponsorships, they ended up delivering for UPS on the side.

The only thing that looks worse on a reindeer than a brown outfit is

OM45GE - Posted - 11/03/2016:  15:54:58

a Mohawk haircut. 

Especially if they also

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/03/2016:  15:57:03

don military-style boots with buckles galore.

The magnetic pole

OM45GE - Posted - 11/03/2016:  16:14:53

Causes compass deviations that get worse as you get closer to the North Pole. 

That's why Santa

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/03/2016:  18:11:13

threw his out the window and relied on Rudolph's impeccable sense of direction.

Yesterday I walked over to Jimmy's lunch for my usual chili and toast

OM45GE - Posted - 11/04/2016:  02:54:47

breakfast only to learn that Jimmy had become Jenny. 

The chili was

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/04/2016:  03:02:17

good but Jenny was not..

It's a very mixed up mind that will

OM45GE - Posted - 11/04/2016:  03:14:59

serve marbled rye toast with chili. 

The next you know, they'll 

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/04/2016:  05:04:52

be serving cheese and crackers.

That's ok because

OM45GE - Posted - 11/04/2016:  05:57:50

I rather like cheese, with or without crackers.

Some people say

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/04/2016:  07:32:50

cracked caraway cheese acts as a good winter tonic for aging pickers.

What kind of pickers

Forrest - Posted - 11/04/2016:  08:01:19

eat fru-fru cheese instead of the proper kind that comes from a can?

Consuming large amounts of cheese can

OM45GE - Posted - 11/04/2016:  12:40:11

lead to all sorts of deviant behavior.

For example,

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/04/2016:  13:38:23

you start laying around and getting lazy.

That will subside when grandma

OM45GE - Posted - 11/04/2016:  14:04:27

comes over and starts laying down the law.

After all, she is

Forrest - Posted - 11/04/2016:  14:04:31

catches on and shames you into submission; you'll also start fastening your knickerbockers below the knee and saying "swell" and "'how's your old man?'."

There are other more insidious behaviors

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/04/2016:  15:27:24

that terrorize my mind at night.

I think I'll head for the hills

Forrest - Posted - 11/04/2016:  18:52:23

of Hillsville, where the hillbillies have historically held habitation happily for hundreds of years. 

Hillsville is the kind of place where

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/05/2016:  03:10:51

there is no flatland.

Hillsville has hillbillys that

OM45GE - Posted - 11/05/2016:  05:48:08

haven't been down to town in several years. 

They prefer 

Forrest - Posted - 11/05/2016:  06:43:58

staying up in their natural habitat, highlanders wholeheartedly!

The Hillsville Hillbillies

OM45GE - Posted - 11/05/2016:  13:11:23

used to have a debate team which was surprisingly successful. 

They liked to 

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/05/2016:  14:52:02

beat their debating opponents like rented mules.

You see, they thought

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/06/2016:  03:10:22

that everyone else was illiterate.

But Uncle Simon showed up and

OM45GE - Posted - 11/06/2016:  04:08:39

read passages from Also Sprach Zarathustra and proved them all wrong. 

They didn't understand 

banjoscotty - Posted - 11/06/2016:  11:10:53

a word he said.

But those old boys sure can

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/06/2016:  12:15:02

tell a whopper of a tale, fit for literary giants to read.

Thomas Wolfe himself

OM45GE - Posted - 11/06/2016:  15:55:53

wasn't much of a debater,  but he did like a good argument. 

He would often provoke his neighbors 

Forrest - Posted - 11/06/2016:  18:33:59

into fits of anger at his lengthy lectures on how You Can't Go Home Again and similar subjects.

Despite this, he was well loved by his fellow North Carolinians for

chuckv97 - Posted - 11/06/2016:  19:05:27

telling long-held secrets about Ashevillians and the Scruggs family.

Ol' Thomas heard Earl play "Home Sweet Home"