chuckv97 - Posted - 01/26/2021:  07:58:19

all his toes were broken.

Be careful what you wish for

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/26/2021:  08:41:07

when you toss a coin into the fountain in Mayberry town square.

Barney

OM45GE - Posted - 01/26/2021:  08:41:52

was extra cautious about wishing for anything. 

The last time he was granted three wishes, he

Edited by - OM45GE on 01/26/2021 08:43:39

xmark - Posted - 01/26/2021:  09:45:15

asked for enough bullets to fill his sidearm, a faithful female companion for life with a desire to raise a family, and widespread recognition of his abilities among his professional peers.

Apparently he was stuttering with excitement as he spoke…and instead received a six-pack of Coors light, a chocolate Labrador Retriever heavy with pups, and

OM45GE - Posted - 01/26/2021:  10:27:55

someone misidentified him as a felon on a wanted poster.

He spent two weeks in jail before

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/26/2021:  12:42:24

Otis fingered him as a country bumpkin from Mt. Airy.

Fife’s troubles didn’t end there

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/26/2021:  14:12:06

because Thelma Lou got knocked up and doesn’t know who the father is.

Barney is

finger-picker - Posted - 01/26/2021:  16:41:26

clueless as usual.



But at least he

Edited by - finger-picker on 01/26/2021 16:41:39

OM45GE - Posted - 01/27/2021:  05:31:03

knows he isn't the father because he and Thelma Lou have never consummated their relationship.

Barney was hoping to, but

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/27/2021:  07:12:58

he was always fumbling around trying to get his bullet out.

After awhile

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/27/2021:  09:05:03

T L got fed up and slammed the car door on his hand as she stalked off.

Andy deputized Floyd

xmark - Posted - 01/27/2021:  09:33:07

because he makes a great... undercover man.

Unfortunately, he's also greatly under the influence and

OM45GE - Posted - 01/28/2021:  04:16:27

spends most of his time annoying people with his long, rambling stories and toxic bad breath.

His breath is so bad,

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/28/2021:  05:18:36

that we don’t know if he needs gum or toilet paper.

Sometimes

OM45GE - Posted - 01/28/2021:  05:48:08

I cross the street if I see him coming in time.

That doesn’t always

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/28/2021:  08:56:17

alleviate my problems because he’ll hale me and cross over to join me.

Floyd never was a pretty boy

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/28/2021:  09:39:19

, even by his mother’s standards, and time has not been good to him looks wise.

It’s amazing

OM45GE - Posted - 01/28/2021:  14:02:48

how different someone’s self-image can differ from reality.

For example,

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/28/2021:  14:55:36

Jethro Bodine the self-described playboy, is in reality a goofy Beverly hillbilly.

On the other hand

Edited by - Pick-A-Lick on 01/28/2021 14:56:31

KyBanjo - Posted - 01/28/2021:  15:10:34

I graj-jee-ated the sixth grade, and it only took three years.

Now I can

finger-picker - Posted - 01/28/2021:  16:21:46

sell myself short, push my punches, and say my ABD’s.

But the thing with

OM45GE - Posted - 01/28/2021:  16:56:34

being so darn smart is it distracts from how incredibly talented and good looking I am.

However, it’s my simple modesty that

finger-picker - Posted - 01/28/2021:  17:21:15

makes me such a great role model to kids of all ages.

That’s not to say

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/28/2021:  17:50:52

I don’t relish a compliment from a dumb blonde now and then.

Hilda Holmquist sat next to me

OM45GE - Posted - 01/29/2021:  03:42:16

in eight grade which is the primary repeat the grade.



I couldn’t stop staring at

Edited by - OM45GE on 01/29/2021 03:42:36

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/29/2021:  06:03:14

the size of her backpack.

She’s destined to

OM45GE - Posted - 01/29/2021:  06:19:51

have some serious lower back problems if she’s not careful.

I could

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/29/2021:  06:56:23

help out by offering to carry her burden, but my deep vein thrombosis is acting up again.

She’ll probably just

OM45GE - Posted - 01/29/2021:  07:35:37

blame me for everything anyway.

They don't call me "Guilty Party" for

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/29/2021:  09:34:22

my multiple pervert of the month awards alone.

I also

KyBanjo - Posted - 01/29/2021:  11:55:06

visit strip joints every night of the week.

Last night I ran into

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/29/2021:  14:44:27

my ex-girlfriend who just started working there. 

 

She

Edited by - Pick-A-Lick on 01/29/2021 14:45:32

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/29/2021:  15:04:40

told me she was now working with Poles.

I thought she meant at the kielbasa plant

Edited by - chuckv97 on 01/29/2021 15:05:48

OM45GE - Posted - 01/30/2021:  05:37:44

but it turns out that isn't the kind of girl she is.

Her preferences run

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/31/2021:  10:17:16

toward a vegan entrée and fresh all vegetable salads with a light balsamic dressing complimented by whole grain breads and natural cheeses.



She also enjoys 

Edited by - Pick-A-Lick on 01/31/2021 10:18:25

OM45GE - Posted - 01/31/2021:  12:17:13

doing the New York Times Crossword puzzle in ink.

Her vocabulary is almost as big as her

chuckv97 - Posted - 01/31/2021:  14:20:05

swelled head.

She constantly throws trigonometry questions at me

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 01/31/2021:  16:15:53

, interspersed with thought provoking grammatical inconsistencies, in an attempt to confuse my understanding of her state of mind.



Quite often

Edited by - Pick-A-Lick on 01/31/2021 16:16:42

KyBanjo - Posted - 01/31/2021:  17:10:14

we are both very confused.

One thing that helps is

OM45GE - Posted - 02/01/2021:  04:23:53

that her other boyfriend is a nice fellow.

He even

xmark - Posted - 02/01/2021:  09:42:07

stands up for me sometimes when she reprimands me and my responses to her endless stream of quizzes.

I think he feels sympathetic and secretly hopes

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/01/2021:  10:19:46

I collapse from mental exhaustion.

My love life history

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/01/2021:  12:40:37

is short.

So short

OM45GE - Posted - 02/01/2021:  17:46:36

some would call it nonexistent.

I’m not proud

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/01/2021:  19:20:09

of all the blind dates I scared off.

There’s something about

OM45GE - Posted - 02/02/2021:  03:19:05

someone yelling “Get away from me you creep” that takes the romance out of a situation.

That’s when I

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/02/2021:  05:37:11

take into consideration the fact that my blind dates really were blind.

Still

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/02/2021:  08:32:55

, my non-blind dates also seemed blind to my more endearing qualities.

Maybe I shouldn’t have

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/02/2021:  14:15:35

whipped out my big ten inch.......record collection of Bluegrass music.

I have