Bill Rogers - Posted - 02/17/2020:  11:32:26

turned down a free drink from any lawyer with a case before him.

My guess is he’ll quickly retire before

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/17/2020:  11:58:05

he’s ordered to do community service, never mind a month in rehab.

A gavel and a judge are soon parted

OM45GE - Posted - 02/18/2020:  03:10:19

as soon as videos of the incident are posted online.

You have to wonder why

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/18/2020:  13:54:56

an apple and fudge are soon farted.

Famous words as they whisked away

OM45GE - Posted - 02/18/2020:  14:42:08

the pithy saying master completely against his will.

He was heard to exclaim

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/18/2020:  16:14:05

“You haven’t seen the last of me!!”

And that was the last

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/18/2020:  17:03:44

moment of his life, for when he took his bow with extended arm, he accidentally dislodged and fired the bailiffs gun.

This was Texas, and so out came every spectator's firearm and

OM45GE - Posted - 02/18/2020:  17:32:16

in the ensuing fusillade every last person was shot and killed.

The sad event became known as

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/18/2020:  17:46:13

the great courthouse repair project, formerly known as the flatulence massacre.

All the tombstones

Bill Rogers - Posted - 02/18/2020:  17:54:20

had bullet pockmarks.

And a few bullet holes were left in the courtroom—to

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/18/2020:  18:18:16

remind all perpetrators that you don’t mess with Texas, whatever that means.

My last trip to the Panhandle

OM45GE - Posted - 02/19/2020:  03:09:44

Didn’t go very well.

First of all, my GPS took me to West Virginia so I

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/19/2020:  05:17:03

stopped at the first bar I could see, took out my banjo, and sang Country Roads.

People cheered

OM45GE - Posted - 02/19/2020:  05:20:21

and bought me a beer.

I was hoping for some generous tips but

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/19/2020:  06:06:01

alas, it being WV all I got was a scrip for the company store.

It was there that

OM45GE - Posted - 02/19/2020:  09:55:52

I was told my scrip was no good because I clearly was an outsider.

I tried to argue

Bill Rogers - Posted - 02/19/2020:  10:54:34

but I was too late, as the company store had permanently closed when the mine exploded,

That left me to

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/19/2020:  11:03:23

to pick up the ragged pieces of my shattered dreams.

My life has been a series of

OM45GE - Posted - 02/19/2020:  13:02:29

days, one after the other.

Come to think of it,

Bill Rogers - Posted - 02/19/2020:  13:53:42

that would leave out the nights.

I wonder why so much of my life

roxygrl - Posted - 02/19/2020:  14:04:46

A little short on knights..
..galloping along the black knight's black horse suddenly..

OM45GE - Posted - 02/19/2020:  14:15:20

reared up and threw the black knight into a fetid pile of garbage.

It took several

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/19/2020:  15:15:28

years for the stench to leave him.

Which is belle did

Bill Rogers - Posted - 02/19/2020:  20:09:23

to go to the ball.

That made her the belle of the ball, meaning that

OM45GE - Posted - 02/20/2020:  02:57:22

she was very (a)pealing.

If that rings a bell,

OldBlindGuy - Posted - 02/20/2020:  03:47:52

then perhaps you've heard this story before, for it has been tolled many times.

The story was once staged off-Broadway, where

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/20/2020:  05:39:44

Some dude lit a firecracker next to mounted policeman on 8th ave.

However, the policeman was a former champion floor gymnast

OM45GE - Posted - 02/20/2020:  05:46:39

and was awarded a perfect score for his dismount.

To top it off, he followed it up with

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/20/2020:  09:50:30

a bone-cracking reverse somersault followed by a full nelson.

He then proceeded to manhandle a

OM45GE - Posted - 02/20/2020:  11:11:47

butter croissant into crumbly submission.

He gave out a mighty victory yell and

roxygrl - Posted - 02/20/2020:  12:56:50

..made hay awhile the Sun shine..
Later sleeping next his camp fire..

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/20/2020:  12:59:33

told his horse to take the day off. The horse galloped down the block and disappeared around the corner.

He proceeded to show his Sponge Bob tattoo

OM45GE - Posted - 02/20/2020:  13:13:56

which was next to Sandy Cheeks.

He was planning to add

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/20/2020:  13:35:51

21+ 56 but his pea-sized brain went into spasms.

Never ask a cop how much the fine is for

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/20/2020:  15:15:41

hunting penguins in Antarctica.

There is an airstrip there

OM45GE - Posted - 02/20/2020:  15:48:56

but I’m not planning to visit anytime soon.

For one thing, I get

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/20/2020:  16:14:07

nauseous when upside down in the Southern Hemisphere.

For another, Penguins don’t like me

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/20/2020:  17:18:51

since I started entertaining killer whales at SeaWorld.

I wanted to work there

Bill Rogers - Posted - 02/20/2020:  17:20:27

because I won’t wear a tuxedo.

But I get along fine with cormorants because

OM45GE - Posted - 02/21/2020:  03:04:52

we both enjoy fresh seafood.

Our fishing methods differ, but

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/21/2020:  10:33:09

heads are in the same place.

Speaking of heads,

OM45GE - Posted - 02/21/2020:  11:11:00

it has not been proven that two heads are better than one.

In fact, some would say

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/21/2020:  11:18:22

you can only eat one head of lettuce at a time.

All lettuce pickers take note -

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/21/2020:  11:48:25

let us pick her stake notably, she was a major investor.

Tesla stock is on the rise

OM45GE - Posted - 02/21/2020:  13:00:44

, I guess you could say there's electricity in the air around it.

I don't have any money to invest

Peter Vipulis - Posted - 02/21/2020:  13:07:45

in another banjo, but that never stopped me.

Never let money be an obstacle

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/21/2020:  13:13:03

when you have burglary and safe-cracking skills.

The last place I burgled

Bill Rogers - Posted - 02/21/2020:  14:19:30

had already been hit by the grandkids of the Baader-Meinhof gang.

So I was left to

5B-Ranch - Posted - 02/21/2020:  15:08:42

Falling back on my past occupation as a mime.

The pay