banjoscotty - Posted - 06/08/2016:  03:47:49

and I look like I have the measles.

Then they took us to the basement and

OM45GE - Posted - 06/08/2016:  05:00:15

told us it was time for the bare knuckle ultimate fighting matches to begin.

I didn't

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/08/2016:  06:39:29

know how to do that.

But they soon showed me and

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/08/2016:  11:22:09

I was eatin' knuckle sandwiches all night.

My Pa warned me

OM45GE - Posted - 06/08/2016:  15:10:21

about that diet but, as usual, I didn't listen to him and had to find out for myself. 

I hope he doesn't 

Edited by - OM45GE on 06/08/2016 15:10:41

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/09/2016:  12:56:30

find out that I'm now toothless and timid.

He'll probably sign me up

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/09/2016:  13:19:15

for boxing lessons.

Carl Swartzengruber had a

OM45GE - Posted - 06/09/2016:  14:11:54

notion to change his last name to something a little easier to pronounce.

Then he found out

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/09/2016:  15:14:46

Schwartzenegger was p.o.'d at the notion, so he went through life with spittle on his lips every time he said his name.

Jobs were difficult to get

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/09/2016:  16:34:01

because no one believed that John Smith was his name.

Never ask anyone how they are doing because

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/09/2016:  19:06:45

they might be doing you a misdeed.

Always have your property surveyed

OM45GE - Posted - 06/10/2016:  02:49:07

before you dig that exploratory oil well. 

It would be pretty discouraging

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/10/2016:  03:58:23

to find water instead of oil.

That's the chance you take when

OM45GE - Posted - 06/10/2016:  05:50:31

start poking holes in the ground.

Last year I

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/10/2016:  07:38:15

added another figure to my age..

There was this guy who never,ever,saw

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/10/2016:  07:51:44

his feet cuz he was too fat, or as some say nowadays, "svelt-challenged".

Please don't insult

OM45GE - Posted - 06/10/2016:  07:55:00

me just because I'm beautiful, it is a curse I have to bear.

I would prefer that you

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/10/2016:  11:13:28

never use my first name in public.

The only problem with kissing her is

OM45GE - Posted - 06/10/2016:  11:28:53

her incredibly fetid and foul breath.

The fumes emanating from that woman's mouth could

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/10/2016:  11:35:59

stop a freight train a mile away.

I tried washing her mouth

OM45GE - Posted - 06/10/2016:  14:15:09

out with a combination of rose water and lemon juice but her breath ended up smelling like an open sewer running through a rose garden with a couple of lemon trees.

I think I may just

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/10/2016:  14:38:50

put a gas mask on her.

She probably won't

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/10/2016:  15:58:13

enter the Fall Fair beauty contest this year, but might run for Miss Manure Spreader.

Country gals often

Bk2olKY - Posted - 06/10/2016:  20:39:07

run away from me.



They simply don't appreciate

Edited by - Bk2olKY on 06/10/2016 20:41:08

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/11/2016:  01:55:41

a big old lug like me..

Now if I was a golden lab

OM45GE - Posted - 06/11/2016:  05:38:11

they would be all over me, running their hands over my body and telling me what a good boy I was.

Instead, they

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/11/2016:  05:50:40

tell me to go see Agnes Blackhead at the town Sewer Dept.

They need a

Bk2olKY - Posted - 06/11/2016:  06:08:32

guard dog to prevent apes from stealing food, but I move too slow.

So they decide instead to get a guard

Edited by - Bk2olKY on 06/11/2016 06:24:32

OM45GE - Posted - 06/11/2016:  12:21:48

cheetah, which can easily outrun the fleetest criminal.

Unfortunately, they

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/11/2016:  14:22:37

forgot to train him so off he ran with the first cheetah-ette from the local zoo.

The zookeeper sent out

J e f f - Posted - 06/11/2016:  15:57:27

all of the zoo animals two by two to search for the missing cheetahs.

The penguins found the cheetah inside

OM45GE - Posted - 06/11/2016:  17:22:17

Moe's Barroom nursing a Scotch on the rocks and telling a tale of woe to the bartender. 

It was pretty pathetic because

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/11/2016:  17:29:46

the cheetah was slurring it's words.

The bartender was getting a little bit

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/11/2016:  17:55:14

worried, cuz the cheetahs were underage and the vice squad was due for a visit.

So he served them

banjoscotty - Posted - 06/12/2016:  03:00:19

some Bubble-Up and told them it was on the house.

The cheetahs got very irate and

OM45GE - Posted - 06/12/2016:  07:26:31

promptly devoured the bartender. 

The other patrons 

Edited by - OM45GE on 06/12/2016 07:26:51

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/12/2016:  08:17:12

raided the liquor shelf and made themselves appear very unappetizing to the cheetahs.

A sloppy drunk

OM45GE - Posted - 06/13/2016:  03:18:20

apparently doesn't appeal to top predators. 

I would have thought

Bk2olKY - Posted - 06/13/2016:  15:34:34

the patrons would run in fear.

But they didn't even have the decency to

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/13/2016:  16:15:27

embalm their devoured pals, no matter how difficult the task.

Always go to other people's funerals

OM45GE - Posted - 06/14/2016:  03:33:04

even if you really despised them. 

You may want

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/14/2016:  10:24:09

them to come to yours.

Contacting the "other side"

OM45GE - Posted - 06/14/2016:  11:31:44

is not just a job for quack psychics, it can be done by almost anyone with a loose grip on reality.

My imaginary friends told me that

J e f f - Posted - 06/16/2016:  13:42:37

I don't exist.

Then we all went to

OM45GE - Posted - 06/16/2016:  14:13:00

an Irish pub and had a wonderful time downing pints and shooting darts.

The next morning

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/16/2016:  21:30:20

I had an imaginary hangover, so I took some placebo tablets.

My hypochondria

OM45GE - Posted - 06/17/2016:  03:33:04

is making me sick. 

My psychiatrist thinks I

chuckv97 - Posted - 06/17/2016:  06:43:21

will pay him with an imaginary cheque, so he demands cash up front.

His couch, however,

OM45GE - Posted - 06/17/2016:  10:33:18

is quite real and surprisingly uncomfortable.

You would think