jistgreg - Posted - 04/09/2015:  23:01:50

way to sneak out to the firing range.... 

I probably shouldn't have shot Queen Victoria's 

OM45GE - Posted - 04/10/2015:  03:06:26

statue the last time

jistgreg - Posted - 04/10/2015:  03:27:53

I was in Penzance, hunting pirates. 

Did you know that "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" can be sung to the tune of 

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/10/2015:  03:38:19

any other song that has that tune to it.

Don't rock the jukebox,,just

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/10/2015:  06:50:08

put your stones back where they belong,please.

A rolling stone never

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/10/2015:  09:32:55

has to stop to refuel.

If your truck has a "road ranger" transmission,just put

jistgreg - Posted - 04/10/2015:  09:51:14

a tonto in the crankcase and the pedal to the metal. 

If, however, your vehicle has 

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/10/2015:  17:13:08

eight stripped gears ,leaving you only with bull low and reverse, just go out and buy a horse and buckboard.

Buck Owens was never bored

OM45GE - Posted - 04/10/2015:  17:58:43

even when he had absolutely nothing to do. 

He seemed incapable of

jistgreg - Posted - 04/10/2015:  20:16:02

matching Roy Clarke's talent, but he never stopped grinnin'. 

When Grandpa Jones cut loose 

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/11/2015:  04:18:04

it took the whole Hee-Haw crew to constrain him again.

One time he ripped a door off

OM45GE - Posted - 04/11/2015:  08:24:39

its hinges and proceed to beat Buck silly with it. 

No one could figure out

jistgreg - Posted - 04/11/2015:  09:21:40

Grandpa's reason for the assault, so Junior Samples asked him. 

"Some folks jist want doorin'," Grandpa replied, eyeing 

Edited by - jistgreg on 04/11/2015 09:22:37

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/11/2015:  15:40:45

Nurse Goodbody with a leer and a wolf whistle.



Mountain dew

Edited by - chuckv97 on 04/11/2015 15:42:19

OM45GE - Posted - 04/11/2015:  18:57:30

isn't made from dew and doesn't come from anyplace near mountains. 

It's sort of false

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/12/2015:  13:19:33

advertising, but these are common underhanded practices foisted on an unsuspecting public.

Dolly, however, had a real mountain (hair)do

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/12/2015:  17:53:32

that looked rather silly.

Betty Crockers kitchen looked like

jistgreg - Posted - 04/13/2015:  01:08:19

the research lab at Chernobyl, what with the beakers and the test tubes and the HazMat suits. 

Which reminds me, a golden lab named Beaker won 

OM45GE - Posted - 04/13/2015:  05:49:03

ten million dollars in the lottery but wasn't able to claim the prize.

It turns out that

Elmo_Smiley - Posted - 04/13/2015:  09:55:17

they wouldn't accept paw prints as a valid signature. 

However, there is this one group who accepted paw prints...

OM45GE - Posted - 04/13/2015:  12:34:38

but they were Massai trackers who rarely left Africa.

The last time

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/13/2015:  16:09:30

I left Africa, there was an angry mob of pygmies on my trail.

They were

jistgreg - Posted - 04/13/2015:  23:25:37

short-tempered. 

I should have known better than to adopt a lofty 

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/14/2015:  02:44:12

Pygmy's daughter for my own.

Everything about them is soooo

OM45GE - Posted - 04/14/2015:  03:45:53

me, me, me.

It's really quite

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/14/2015:  07:53:43

grating, and my nerves were shot in short order.

Never tell a Pygmy wife

jistgreg - Posted - 04/14/2015:  11:48:44

she doesn't measure up. 

A blowgun may LOOK like a peashooter, but 

OM45GE - Posted - 04/14/2015:  14:34:03

those aren't peas it is shooting.

You have to remember to inhale

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/15/2015:  07:33:21

if you want the full effects of the poison, a noxious herb to quell all anxieties.

Many laid back Africans

jistgreg - Posted - 04/15/2015:  08:08:04

chew khat for the mild narcotic effect. 

In Yemen, it's a full-blown national addiction, but 

OM45GE - Posted - 04/15/2015:  10:16:45

there are a few misguided souls who thought everyone was chewing cats.

They found themselves

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/15/2015:  10:35:25

clawed to shreds with hamburger-like faces, sadly illustrating the power of narcotics addiction.

Dr. Drew

jistgreg - Posted - 04/15/2015:  10:48:02

pictures and diagrams on the whiteboard, but the patients were too mellowed out to care, so they learned nothing. 

Dr. said, "I don't know why I 

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/15/2015:  12:37:07

fool with these "junkies".

But they do pay cash,,sooo,,,

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/15/2015:  14:12:08

blood money is better than no money.

Wampum,however,

jistgreg - Posted - 04/15/2015:  15:04:09

for work or for pleasure, it's a triumph, it's a treasure.   

Oh, there's nothing that the wampum cannot do -- except

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/16/2015:  03:28:12

increase by half twice a day.

She was so bow-legged that

OM45GE - Posted - 04/16/2015:  06:41:38

the neighborhood kids used her for a soccer goal - football to the rest of the world. 

She liked the attention but didn't 

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/16/2015:  08:29:57

like it when the ball hit her in the butt.

Louis Armstrong blew his trumpet so hard that

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/16/2015:  09:30:14

his lip grew to the size of a tangerine.

Satchmo used

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/16/2015:  12:07:23

the same trumpet that Louis did.

Mr Hawg,Them Dukes boys are

jistgreg - Posted - 04/17/2015:  03:23:26

responsible for crashing 320 Dodge Chargers of the 1969 persuasion. 

If I had to jump over obstacles in a Dodge Charger while tootling the first 12 notes of "Dixie," 

OM45GE - Posted - 04/17/2015:  11:30:35

I would want Daisy Duke by my side. 

It would make the pain

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/17/2015:  11:46:58

of accidental castration a bittersweet experience.

Daisy, having a cruel

jistgreg - Posted - 04/17/2015:  12:54:20

stepmother,really identifies with Snow White and Cinderella. 

Having a mean streak a mile wide herself, she really also 

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/17/2015:  13:57:45

could not dance a step.

Orville Twitchit was the one who chased her all the way to

chuckv97 - Posted - 04/17/2015:  22:56:22

the barn in hopes of a roll in the hay, or was it a turkey in the straw.

The chicken reel

jistgreg - Posted - 04/17/2015:  23:23:38

generally isn't as funny as the bloopers reel. 

Of course, if you're The Great Gonzo 

banjoscotty - Posted - 04/18/2015:  04:05:55

you could charge admission for people to see how STUPID you are.

There was this most beautiful lady that used to live